MamaRose.com

I had what I considered the happiest marital union on the face of the earth and then suddenly, I lost my husband of thirty-seven years. I entered a state of indescribable grief. My first reaction was shock and numbness where I remained for several days. This period was followed by denial. There are times when you think there is no way to move beyond grief. For me, the pain was deep and I moved through a wide range of overwhelming emotions.

Fortunately, I have great friends and family who spent long hours just talking to me. We talked about my life from the beginning to the present. They reminded me of many of the blessings that filled my life, blessings that many of them had shared. Eventually, I was able to express some of my deepest and most intimate feelings. The time soon came when the hurt was gradually replaced with moments of laughter and lighthearted banter. I felt lucky to be surrounded by people who loved me, people who were soon able to convince me that “life is for the living.” In due time, there were signs that healing had begun.

We spoke of others who had gone through a similar experience and had managed to overcome. But, my grief was less manageable when left alone. By now, I knew that individuals had varying degrees of grieving and coping, after losing a spouse. For me, being left alone was the greatest obstacle of all. Everywhere I went I noticed couples talking, laughing and enjoying each other. It was difficult for me to accept that I did not have my life partner to do simple things like go to a restaurant, go to a movie or, go for a walk in the park. He was not there to discuss a good book, the events of the day, or family gossip.

A friend sent me an announcement from a Grief Counseling Workshop. Earlier, my doctor had suggested this activity, but somehow, I had neglected to follow through. Now, in my loneliness, I decided to give it a try.

The workshop was just what I needed. It gave me new hope and courage to reinvest myself in the process of living and finding happiness. I began to cope with eating out and going to plays alone. I did it because often, I had no choice.

Exactly one year after the death of my husband, I accepted an invitation to a party of which I really had no interest. My cousin, the host, always gave parties where the guests ended up playing cards and drinking lots of beer, neither of which I did. As I sat on the couch alone, a handsome man entered the room, said hello and introduced himself. He engaged me in a conversation that commanded my complete attention. He talked about the importance and the need for community volunteers to give, not only their time, but also their resources. Volunteering is an activity that is near and dear to my heart, as I have volunteered in my community for many years.

This tall, good-looking and articulate man then brought up the subject of Astrology. I had to admit that I knew very little about astrology, but that it had always fascinated me. After telling me about my sign and its meaning, he offered me his business card and suggested that I call him.

I have to tell you that I was interested. Not only was he easy to look at, he was well-dressed, easy to talk to, and a good conversationalist, which for me is very attractive in a man. In fact, I love it when a man engages me in stimulating conversation. After clearing that protocol of my calling him with my son, I phoned the gentleman two days later.

“Perhaps you won’t remember me, but I met you the other night at a party …”
“Of course I remember; you’re the lovely lady whose sign is Gemini. How could I forget such a charming woman? I was hoping you would call, and you did. You have made my day!”
“You remember. I am impressed.  How are you?”  I responded somewhat giddily.
“I would be much better if I could see you again.  Is that a possibility?” He asked.

Because he was a friend of my cousin’s, I answered that I thought we could arrange that.
“I walk every morning. How about meeting me at the track?”  He knew the track.
“Just tell me when-- I’ll be there.”

~*~

That week, he met me early each morning; and after walking four laps around the track, it was time for him to leave. I finished the last two laps thinking how fortunate I was to meet someone of his caliber. An erudite, caring, single, professional man. A man in my age bracket. A man I can easily relate to.

We talked on the phone each evening and he always asked me to call before retiring, just to say goodnight. One week later, he invited me out to an elegant restaurant for dinner. The meal and the conversation were phenomenal. So I agreed to begin a friendship with this incredible man who was interested in me. This man who made me feel alive again. I would sometimes pinch myself in order to know if I were dreaming. I was beginning to recognize that Todd was a man I could easily consider for a serious relationship. We were in the hand holding stage, with light kisses to greet each other, and again to say goodnight. Nothing serious yet, but I felt that romance could possibly be on the horizon.

Todd was a man any woman would be proud to be seen with. She would be delighted to introduce him to her friends and family. He was always complimenting me, making me laugh and go long periods of time without thinking of my loss. I knew that he was good for me.

During the following month, we went to a formal banquet, the theater and out to dinner on two occasions. He shared with me that his two children worked in the business with him. Both his son and daughter were married. Only the daughter had a child. I told him about my sons, but I knew it was not yet the time to introduce them, although I was anxious to do so.

One of the most important lessons I had learned in my workshop on grief was to give myself permission to release the grief. Also, the group was told to give our self the permission to love again and to find joy in living. I was now at the threshold.
The following Saturday, I received a call from Todd.

“How about brunch tomorrow, can you make it?”
“Yes; I can after church. What time will you pick me up?”
“Can you meet me at Barnaby’s at two o’clock? I might be running late.
“See you there.”

I drove to the hotel which restaurant happens to be one of my favorite places to dine. I was consumed by the exquisite feelings that I had met someone who had given me just the lift I needed to get on with my life. It was delightful to think that I could ever get beyond grief. Todd had helped me put my loneliness and sadness somewhere on a back burner.  
He was sitting in a lounge chair in the lobby when I entered. The smile on his face was captivating. A wonderful feeling of warmth flooded my entire body when I saw him. I was thankful that he was showing me how to restore my zest for life. He greeted me with a kiss and a loving embrace. 
“Thank you for meeting me,” he said in a glad voice.
“The pleasure is mine.”

We sat there for a while, drinking Midoris. When we were in the middle of brunch, he began to explain why he could not pick me up.

Jasmine’s grandmother went to church and I had to watch her until she returned to take over. I had a hunch she wouldn’t make it home in time.” He began.
“I--I don’t think I understand.” I stammered.
“My granddaughter, Jasmine spent the weekend at the house and I had to wait for her Grandmother to return before I could leave.”
“Are--Are you telling me that you--you have a wife?” Again I stammered, my body shaking.
“My wife still lives in our home.”
“You never told me anything like that.”
“You never asked. But I’ll explain the circumstances.”
“I shouldn’t have to ask that question, Todd. What kind of woman do you take me to be?”

The floor literally fell from under my feet and I did everything I possibly could to maintain some degree of poise, but my equilibrium was deserting me, the room began to spin; and to top it all, I was trying hard to catch my breath, which was desperately fleeing my lungs. And it wasn’t the Midoris.

“Bernadene, please—don’t make more out of this situation than there is. My wife and I live in the same house. We’re married in name only. It is purely a business agreement. She is my second wife. When my first wife divorced me, we had to sell the business and the house and divide everything. It was the attorneys who ended up with the money we had worked so hard to accumulate. We ended up with nothing but a worthless marriage. I had to begin again from scratch. When I met Ellen, we made an agreement that if the marriage did not work, we would stay together for the sake of the business. She worked along beside me to make the business what it is today, successful and thriving.

“We pledged not to let anything destroy what we have worked so diligently for. She goes her way and I go mine. We totally live independently of each other’s private lives. You’ve been calling me nightly; did she ever answer my phone? I will answer for you. She has her own phone and I have mine."  He noted the expression on my face and then added.

“Bernadene, some people live like that. Have you been that secluded?”
“You don’t have to be in seclusion to know that something is wrong with this picture. How did I ever give you the idea this would be acceptable to me?”

“Bernadene, this may not be commonplace, but it happens. We’re not the only couple who have done this. I can name you some other couples. I know you will be shocked since you didn’t seem to know this sort of thing was going on. You even know some of the couples that are living this exact same way. I’ll name some of them; two are your neighbors. John and Hazel . . .”

“Please don’t.” I pleaded. “I don’t care what other people do. If they are happy living that way, then I am happy for them; it’s just not the life or the style I can handle.”

“You and I have something great going, please don’t walk away from it. I knew the moment I laid eyes on you, you were a special person; don’t end this without giving careful consideration and thought to what the two of us could mean to each other.
“I love and adore you and I think you should give our being together a chance before you just walk out. I know we can work this out. We have so much in common.”

“Todd,” I countered, “To continue to see you under the circumstances you explained would never work for me. I am a ‘territorial’ woman. I need to know that I am the sole proprietor of the territory. I could never share the man I love with another woman and I could never give myself to another woman’s man, even though you tell me that it’s okay.

“ My heart says it isn’t. My soul tells me it’s not okay. But I owe you something. I will forever be grateful that you gave me back my life. You stirred feelings in me that I thought were buried with my husband. You let me know that I can love again and that I can share that love with someone who loves me. You gave me the desire to play and hear music again, to laugh, to dance and to be hopeful.

“I love you Todd, for all that and even more, but I could never love you in the way you need and deserve to be loved. You are a beautiful man and I shall always cherish the brief time we had together. I can only imagine what it might have been.”

I leaned over, gave a shocked Todd a big kiss and stood up to leave without finishing the meal. Before he could protest, I was out the door. My emotions were in check and I felt wonderful to have come through such an abrupt turn of events without frustration or sadness. In that moment, I knew that I was the recipient of a priceless gift, and it was the comfort in, and the knowledge of knowing that I could love again.

~ --- ~

Two days later as I walked around the track, Todd fell in step beside me.
“Is it okay if I walk with you?”
“Of course it is. You look great! Is that a new jogging suit?”
“I miss you.” He said in a sad voice. “Won’t you reconsider our friendship? You know we almost had a great thing going. I’m not willing to give up on us yet.”
“Todd, you should have leveled with me from the beginning.”
“Bernadene, you’re the only one who has had a problem with understanding my situation.”
“I am sorry, Todd. This has been painful for me too, but I don’t know any other way to handle it. Your situation goes against the grain of my way of living. I don’t think I could ever accept it.”
“You could at least give it a trial run; it isn’t too late.”
“I’ll give it some thought,” I said, but deep inside, I knew better.

I knew I could never expose myself to the unknown components of that kind of relationship. I was much too fragile to even consider the odds of such a venture. I was fortunate to have come to the point of giving myself permission to begin living again and I would not take any chance of a reversal of letting go.